Halp Wanted: Six Pastors Behaving Badly

Row of empty church pews.
Credit: Thinkstock

This might get me struck by lightening, but dang it, some things must be said.

There are quite a few proclaimed men of God who are doing the most with the absolute least.

**braces for impact**

It’s bad enough that Joel Olsteen’s church had enough in its collection plate from one weekend to inspire an Italian Job-level heist.  Just as questionable is that an Atlanta Archbishop had to be told to move out of a $2.2 million mansion better suited to the fictional Mr. Burns.  (Man, even the Pope isn’t rolling like that!)

However, eclipsing those acts are truly insane tales of gospel gone waaaaay too far.

Here are five six of the most offensive incidents in this Halp Wanted: The Collection Plate Edition. We are adding a Baltimore-based pastor who has taken it upon himself to use the word “hoes” during a seminar.  And he was not talking about gardening.

1.  Hoe Down

No, no, no.  I don’t care what point you are trying to make, no spiritual leader should channel Chris Brown and Lil’ Wayne in the pulpit.  But that’s just what our most recent inductee into this list pulled.  In a discussion about Pontius Pilate, Pastor Jamal H. Bryant, of the Empowerment Temple, uttered the following phrase:  “Old saints, y’all forgive me, but I gotta tell you. These hoes ain’t loyal!”  Check out his tomfoolery in full here and please, pray for him, y’all.


2.   Unbeweavable 

While I get the sentiment of encouraging women to embrace their natural beauty, this Texas pastor took great liberties by banning weave among his congregation members.  Pastor A. J. Aamir told local station KHOU-TV that he leads a church where people are struggling economically, so he didn’t want his pews filled with such sights as a young mother with $300 worth of weave on her head.  Again, I can’t say that isn’t a severe case of financial foolhardiness, BUT forcing folks to forego their weekly salon appointment, sounds like you’re taking it a yard too far.  Next, he’ll be saying no designs in beards.  Stop it, sir.


3.  Grass is Greener on the Other Side

I could not believe this was real.  Initially, I wanted to check the Fousey YouTube channel to see if it was one of his ig’nant jokes, but no…. This blowhard, Lesogo Daniel,  in South Africa actually had the audacity to tell his flock to…well…act like flock and graze outside the sanctuary.  I do believe he was laughing at them while they did it, too.  (Note: I don’t see any grass strains on his teeth, do you?) I don’t know what the purpose of this lesson was, but I do hope these people found their self respect and a new church forthwith.

4.  Commando Congregation

How are you going to tell the women in your church not to wear panties?  I mean, how do you even fix your mouth to say it?  Go ahead and ask this Kenyan pastor who asked believers to skip their skivvies and bras in order to allow God to better enter their bodies.  Unless he is jockeying for a slot as opening act on an R. Kelly tour, he probably should focus more on his sermons than the undergarments of the ladies sitting in front of  him.  Are we noticing a pattern here though?  Why are so many of these men focused on what the women of the flock are doing?  IJS.

pink and green women's panties

Credit: Thinkstock

5. Flight Risk

I believe in giving charitably and if people wish to funnel their giving through a house of God, that makes sense.  But I am appalled by the greed that some exhibit when it comes to cleaning out their congregants’ pockets.  The “Absolute Nerve of the Dang Near Century” Award goes to a Texas megachurch pastor who believed it wise to ask his followers to bless him with money to upgrade the blades on his helicopter.  In return, Bishop, I.V. Hilliard, of the New Light Christian Center in Houston, Texas, promised that willing donors would receive favor in no less than 52 days or 52 weeks.  I’ll give you a moment to ingest that message.  Wait, what?  First off, unless he is dropping supplies to the poor, what is he doing with a helicopter?  Second, if you have the stones to have a helicopter, you better be prepared to maintain it.  I can’t.  I will not with this man.

helicopter flying across sky

Credit: Thinkstock

6.  Operation Stackola

Props to Awesomely Luvvie for this finding of a congregation who wanted to give their pastor $70,000 for his 70th birthday.  Though I will not speculate as to whether the birthday boy wanted this to go down, I have to say the mindset of those at this church is clearly in need of a hard reset.  Why don’t they take that money and give to his favorite ministry?  Or perhaps put that toward feeding hungry members in their community in the name of the sanctuary?  We’re ’round here talking about recessions, high unemployment rates and 1-percenters and these people want to pony up $70,000 as a daggone birthday surprise? This reminds me of that old In Living Color sketch starring “Loomis Simmons,” the pitchman who shrewdly argues that we can’t all be rich, but if everyone watching his commercial gives him a dollar each, he can live the dream on our behalf.  Sorry, not going.

YOUR TURN: Do you know of a pastor or religious figure who needs to sit down in all the pews?  Suggest them in comments below, then come hide from the lightening with me.