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Moment Of Clarity

Letting Go of Hurt and Anger

We understand.  Sometimes, problems with romantic relationships,  friendships, career or family life get you down. And we want to help. That’s why JET is working with therapist, Jinnie Cristerna, who will take your questions and offer some sage, sanity-restoring advice and insight every Tuesday.

Jinnie Cristerna, LCSW, CHt.

Jinnie Cristerna, LCSW, CHt.

“Before we are angry, we are hurt.” ~Heinz Kohut

As much and hard as you may try, letting go of hurt and anger is one of the most difficult things to do. Many of us feel that our hurt is real and the anger is legitimate–and it usually is.

Unfortunately, whenever you hold on to hurt and anger, it is like holding on to hot coal and hoping the other person gets burned. It doesn’t work and, in the end, you’re the one with blisters and scars. Instead of getting burned try a different way of letting go:

The Process of Letting Go:

1) Feel the emotion fully without judgement. When the emotion surfaces, you are closer to the source of the feeling and can release it more easily. The best way to do this is by allowing the thoughts associated with the emotion to emerge and be present without judging them.

2) Release the emotion by crying or through some other therapeutic method. After the emotion is released, take deep breaths in your nose and blow it out of your mouth, fully.  Do this until your breathing returns to normal. Once you are calm, you should notice a lightness in your chest.

3) Allow the feeling to dissipate. When the emotion begins to dissipate, you should feel some level of relief. Continue to consciously connect your breath with your body. This will help you become grounded, fully present, and settled.

4) Reflect on the thoughts and emotions that came up. Thinking about the emotions and thoughts you experienced is the most important part of letting go. Now, you are in a place of acceptance and feelings of shame are diminished which allows you to think more clearly and honestly about your circumstance.

This process can take anywhere from 15-90 minutes depending on your disposition, circumstance, and level of intensity. If you are unsure how to engage in this process, consult a psychotherapist trained in emotional release techniques.

However, if you have an aversion to a step-by-step process and prefer an outlined approach, consider the following: 

• Be alone. Our society does not provide for the private space each of us could benefit from on a daily, weekly, monthly or yearly basis. We are always busy, busy, busy. Stop. Especially when you have a difficult choice to make or feel overwhelmed by your emotions. Find a quiet place to sit with yourself in silence and peace. The more you do this, the easier it becomes for you to make the best decision based on the information you have and release any negative emotions. I recommend you begin each day with a moment of silence for at least 10 minutes.

• Be Honest. Say aloud to yourself what you are feeling, thinking, or may be holding you back from making a good decision. This will help you hear yourself and understand your feelings in a less judgmental way.

• Trust in something greater. For those of you who are religious or spiritual. It helps to remember that there is something greater than each of us and to trust it. We may not know or understand that now, but we can trust that there is a greater plan in which we play a role–however big or small.

• Ask for strength. Go deep inside of yourself or up to a higher source (whichever is more comfortable) and pull on a deeper strength than you possess at that moment. Think of it as a runner’s wall and push through it.

• Have faith that it will all work out. Sometimes we are invested more in certain decisions and outcomes than others and are intentional in our actions. If you believe that things work out – often better than we could have ever planned – then faith is not far from you. The difference between hope and faith is simple: hope is a feeling, a wish; faith is the action that one puts into their hope.

To learn more about letting go, view my FREE recorded webinar: “New Year, New You!”

Wishing you pleasant journeys … with love and light,

Jinnie

Do you have a question for Jinnie? Email us at digitalpitches@ebony.com. We’ll be sure to keep it anonymous and confidential. You can also learn more about our “Moment of Clarity” JET therapist via:

Her site at International High Achievers.

Twitter: @intlachievers

Facebook: Like Jinnie’s Page!

You can also subscribe to her High Achievers email list here!