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Do you know a drug addict – someone hooked on cocaine, meth, heroin? If you’ve known anybody addicted to any of these mind-altering drugs then you know that the longer they’re addicted, the more bold and reckless they are about getting it. From the first hit, all they know is that nothing has ever made them feel like that before and they look forward to the next hit. After a few hits, they become single focused and soon nothing else matters. They want to live in that state of euphoria.
You may not have ever had a hit of cocaine, meth, or heroin, but if you’ve ever been in love you know that state of euphoria. Your first love interest (or your first time with every new love interest) took you somewhere you’d never been before and you liked it, a lot! For most, you long for it. For others, you want it bad but the pain of having loved and lost hurt so much you’re afraid to be that vulnerable again. Many people make lifetime decisions in those alternating moments of euphoria and desperation, usually with adult-and-messy results. Much of music, movies and other aspects of popular culture celebrates whirlwind romances and the emotional roller coaster of being addicted to love. However Grown folks know: If it’s addictive, it’s not love. In fact, it’s usually a prelude to dangerous distraction–and destruction.
Just as you learn other skills, you’ve got to learn how and why you love. What kind of lover are you and what kind do you attract? Is that the kind you want, really? You’ve got to learn to strike balances between what you give and what you get, and it is your responsibility to do so. You deserve love–real, healthy, Grown love–and you must be responsible for how you acquire it.
The cocaine, meth, and heroin addict is chasing a feeling that cannot be sustained. In the same way, those who fall in love are chasing a fantasy that cannot be sustained. Romantic love is not sustainable and until you’ve done the work of effectively understanding your individual lives and carefully considering how you will share them, your love is not real. Addiction to love is about chasing a fantasy that can’t been tried, so it can’t be true. If you are constantly falling in and out of “love,” you’re not pursuing the healthy relationship you say you want. You’re chasing a high.
Sure, you can meet somebody and based just on chemistry fall in love, and sex will intensify the attraction and connection. But here’s the inevitable problem with that: That state of euphoria blinds you from seeing incompatibility and by the time you recognize it, if at all (since the relationship was built on emotion, not thoughtful consideration), it’s hard to objectively judge who’s before you; to see how they actually align (or not) with the desires you have for a relationship.
Unless you know what you want in a relationship, how you want to be treated and what characteristics a romantic interest has to have in order to be considered compatible, you’ve not done your due diligence and can easily be blinded by chemistry and really confused after sex.
Bottom Line: If s/he’s “all that”, they’ll be that and then some after you’ve done your due-diligence. Resist the urge to throw caution–not to mention access to your heart, money, body and home–to the wind. There are no shortcuts. Stop trying to rush love. True love unfolds, so let it percolate. Time is your friend.
Live In The Grown Zone.
For a FREE copy of, 9 Keys To Living In The Grown Zone, click here.
Zara Green and Alfred Edmond Jr., named to Black Love Forum’s “14 Most Inspiring Black Couples” list for 2014, are co-principals of A2Z Personal Growth Enterprises, producer of The Grown Zone. Zara is a speaker/trainer & author. Alfred is an award-winning journalist and expert on business and personal finance. The couple, both “Do-Better Fanatics”, lead sessions on personal growth, self-love and resiliency, healthy relationships and “grown” decision-making at live events across the country.
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