Love Confession: What You Won’t Do, Your Friend Will!
Note: Men and women with a sense of entitlement have an inflated and unrealistic understanding of self-love. They believe they are owed certain privileges and rights and they use people as merely a means to an end. When an individual gives way to this type of mindset, they see people and things as objects to be used for their own self gratification. Entitled individuals, unless ridded of their selfish heart, will take what they believe they have a right to, with little or no remorse.
I make no excuses. I wanted him. His voice was heat against my cold heart and he spoke every lie I needed to hear with absolute conviction. His hands held storms and I was the worst type of natural disaster.
I had just spent the last 6 years of my life in the eye of a destructive and chaotic relationship. His dishonesty felt just like home. Manipulative in manner, he handled me with promises of more.
Everything we did treaded the line between appropriate and borderline cheating. He hugged me just long enough for me to feel the thickness of his stature against my frame, but not long enough to violate his relationship. We both pretended to be weak, convincing ourselves that if we could have controlled our urges we would have. We were both liars.
Every time we found ourselves tangled up in one another, we chose not to activate self-control. I felt entitled to be held and finessed and told I was beautiful. I didn’t care that he had a woman, the love he was showing me was my birthright. At least that’s how I subdued the heavy voice of my guilt. I deserved to be loved too, even if I had to share him to get it.
Here I was, a woman young, brokenhearted from a previous relationship, moving about recklessly with no accountability to anyone. I had reduced my value to such a low point that I willingly lay with a man who belonged to another woman because someone had done it to me.
My warped understanding of love was no longer about commitment and faithfulness, it was all about self-gratification; get what you needed and don’t get played!
In my own brokenness, I convinced myself that the rules to love were simply: maximize your benefits, minimize your potential for hurt, and don’t get in too deep. I lied to myself, saying that the “side chick” arrangement was perfect for a woman like me. I get the benefits of being his woman, I don’t have to worry about having my heart broken and because we had an “understanding” that he wasn’t mine, I knew not to get attached.
Admittedly, this is the most corrupt mindset to have, one that tells the heart to take whatever it pleases with no regard for others. Sadly, this thought process runs rampant and the proof is in the lack of respect we have for monogamy. We show little honor to the preciousness of two individuals trying to find their way in the world. We wait in the wings for one partner to mess up, so we can sneak in and make our move.
In retrospect, I have come to accept the fact that there is a certain level of self-hatred that has to be present for one to agree to be a side chick. To allow yourself to be only partially fulfilled, but used fully, you have to be convinced in your mind that you are undeserving of love in its entirety. You are willing to accept the scraps that this stray dog drags to your doorstep.
Although we use the language, “side chick” to give the prejudiced illusion that women are the only ones participating in side relationships, don’t purchase the propaganda. Not only are men allowing the same amount of confusion to occupy their hearts and spirits, but they are corrupted by the same mentality that feeds the self-satisfying ego when it says, “I am going to get what I want and I don’t care who I affect.”
Having evolved from such damaging encounters, I can now separate “side chick” arrangements into two very distinct catalogs. There are those of us who make the decision to entertain these toxic relationships and then there are those of us who were left with no choice because we were deceived into believing we were the only one.
1. The Decider: “What you won’t do for him, your friend will.”
My father is a contagiously humorous man with a gentle spirit. So calming and soft spoken to the point that if you aren’t keen and in tune with the fluidity of his punchlines, you will completely miss his comedic delivery. Every life lesson he offers is either delivered in the form of a joke or with abrupt seriousness. I recall him giving me a valuable life lesson on relationships, one that I didn’t grasp until adulthood.
One day myself and a group of my cackling friends were all congregating in the kitchen, doing what teenage girls do, i.e. gossiping and being obnoxious. Completely dismissive of my father’s presence, we entered into an extremely typical conversation about men, and all the things we despised about them.
The conversation took an abrupt left turn when one of my friends started making declarations about all the things she was unwilling to do for any man. In the midst of her saying how she was, “not going to slave over a hot stove, clean up after no man, stroke a grown man’s ego…,” my father laughed his ever so hearty chuckle, placed his soapy dishrag back in the sink, and proceeded to exit the kitchen. On his way out, he turned to my friend and said, “that’s right girl, stand up for yourself (sarcasm). You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to because your friend will.”
It wasn’t until years later when I found myself in the precise predicament my father warned me and my friends about years before. I finally understood that nugget of wisdom he left with us in the kitchen years ago.
In this world, there are women and men who have somewhere along the way lost their sense of self-respect. These same individuals, when in a state of despair and loneliness, will fill their empty voids and cold beds with your man or woman. They do this under the guise that if, “he/she was taking care of home the way they should be, their man/woman wouldn’t be coming to me for his/her needs.”
Individuals who engage in side arrangements convince themselves that they are offering their partner something of value and substance that they can’t get at home. Rather than accept that they are in the wrong for entertaining someone who is in a relationship or married, they place the blame on the person being cheating on.
Armed with a warped mentality, side chicks and side men have a disgustingly toxic thought process that causes them to justify their actions. Allowing myself to be a participant in an ugly love triangle taught me a valuable lesson about myself. While I thought I was being protective of my heart by not allowing myself to be hurt, I was in fact doing more damage.
It only took me one time to realize that I was not equipped to emotionally sustain a side chick arrangement. I didn’t want to share my significant other with anyone else. I quickly realized that until I healed my heart from past hurt and pain, I would never attract the love I truly deserved.
2. The Deceived: He Took Away My Right To Choose
Sadly, there are too many loving individuals who find themselves in “side chick” arrangements under the cloak of deceit. These individuals encounter a man or woman who toys with their feelings, never revealing to their partners that they are taken or married. Too often I have watched friends give themselves to relationships that they believe are exclusive only to find out later down the line that they are in fact an unknowing participant in someone’s extra marital affairs. Unlike the first category, individuals in this situation were not given the choice by their partners. This is by far the most unfair situation to be in and more often than not, it taints the unwilling person’s perception of love moving forward.
We adopt harmful philosophies about relationships like, “love hurts” and “all men cheat” or “you can never satisfy a woman” and wonder why we are unable to love adequately. We are so impressionable in our formative years and our hearts are tagged from a very young age by what we see and what we are exposed to.
Having to learn the hard way, many of us spend most of our young adulthood making tragic mistakes in relationships, only to spend our later years trying to undo all the madness. We are not responsible for what we do in our ignorance, but we must all be held accountable for what do once we know better.
Self reflection is the key to growth. As an adult woman who has devoted a significant amount of time to healing my spirit, I enthusiastically welcome love in my life, in its entirety. Unwilling to compromise my self-worth and my truest desire to be loved, I would never again date anyone who was already in a relationship.
As a word of advice, refuse to make room in your life and heart for someone who cannot give you all that you deserve! I pray you all seek and find everything you need and then some. Move in love…Until we meet again lovers and friends. Be well. Be prosperous. Be passionate.
Jazz Keyes is a community activist, poetess and a nationally certified Life Purpose and Career Coach. Keyes supplies clients with the necessary tools and techniques to awaken their divine energy, heal their open wounds and create an aura of love, compassionate and tranquility. In 2013, Keyes was named “13 People to Watch For” by Rockford Register Star and in honor of Black History Month 2014, Keyes was recently named a “Neighborhood Hero” by ComEd’s Power of One Campaign. Keyes in currently pursuing her Masters in Clinical Psychology and hopes to one day be a best-selling author and motivational speaker. She has devoted a great deal of her time and energy on mastering the art of communication in order to create healthy, dynamic, long-lasting relationships.