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Ask Shan Tell'emJET Love

Love Advice: Unhappily Ever After?

Dear Shan Tell’em,

Last year around November, I started dating a guy who I went to high school with. We had a huge falling out and did not speak for about two months. Three weeks ago, we started speaking again, but shortly after, he told me that he couldn’t love me in that way anymore. I feel like he is playing games because we were so close and could talk about anything. I’m so mad at him right now. I haven’t been that close to anyone like that in years. I didn’t even have that type of connection with my own husband. I feel like I will never ever get my happily ever after. What’s your advice? 

Signed,

Unhappily Ever After

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Dear Unhappily Ever After,

While I realize that you feel a deep connection to this man, it is best to let him go for the moment. From the way that you two seem to handle conflict, it’s obvious that this isn’t a match made in heaven. I’m not sure as to what led you to have a “huge falling out,” but not speaking for a number of months is not the way to resolve issues when you really care about someone. Yes, sometimes it’s best to take time to process things so that you can return to the situation with a clear mind and level head. This does not seem like what is happening here. In fact, it sounds like you’re dealing with someone who is either confused, manipulative, or both.

I’d also challenge you to rethink the connection that you feel. Is it really a deep, authentic love or are you just vulnerable? To say that you had a deeper connection with him than your husband is kind of a big deal. I’m saying it isn’t true, but you should really explore why you felt so drawn to him. Either way, it seems like it’s one-sided. You seem to be all-in, and frankly, he’s gone. That speaks volumes.

Often, we try to figure out what we did to “chase someone away.” But usually, it’s more of a decision that they make for reasons that we’ll never understand, and isn’t our job to figure it out. I encourage you to see this as a valuable lesson, and to not base the rest of your love life on this one failed instance. It sounds like he will be back, as a pattern of breaking up and returning has been established. But will you be strong enough to say “no” this time? Unless he shows signs of improvement, let’s hope so.

Good luck and I wish you the best.

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Shantell E. Jamison is a Chicago-based writer, radio personality, and cultural critic. She’s also JET Magazine’s Digital Content Editor. She’s been featured on WBEZ 91.5FM, “The Monique Caradine Show,” Vocalo 91.1FM, KDKA Newsradio 1020AM, WBGX 1570AM, WYCA 102.3FM, Chicago Now, The Grio, The Black Youth Project, The Gate Newspaper and “Launching Chicago with Lenny McAllister.” Her debut book, “Drive Yourself in the Right Direction: Simple Quotes on How to Achieve Your Best Self” is available now at Amazon.com.