JET Love

5 Ways to Tell if You’re Dating #HurtBae

Let’s start by dismissing the notion that women are jealous hearted and insecure by nature. Women are scared as hell of having their hearts toyed with. Big difference.

Negligent and self-centered men like the one we see in the viral #HurtBae video are the reason why so many women experience this internal terror when it comes to trusting love. For those who have not seen the now viral video, #HurtBae became a trending hashtag on Twitter shortly after viewers watched a gut-wrenching conversation between exes.

Viewers tuned in to see exes “confront each other on infidelity.” However, it didn’t take long for us to realize that we were tuning in to watch just how vicious and callous love can be when you open your heart to the wrong person.

Feel free to watch the video yourself. If you know you are sensitive about cheating, or your heart is sore from your own personal experiences, I would suggest finding something more encouraging to do with your six minutes.

For those of you who appreciate cliff notes, below is the summary of the video. It seeks to validate the very real suspicions women experience when trying to find a place in this world where they feel honored and protected.
People like the man in the #HurtBae video all have a few characteristics in common. So, here is are my words of advice. Be leery of people who:

1) Have a sweet tongue, but a sour heart.

While we are dismissing the notion that women are insecure beings, let’s also dismantle any thoughts that continue to encourage us to believe that love hurts, or that anyone who professes to love you would ever INTENTIONALLY cause you pain. In the above video, Leonard adoringly calls Kourtney his, “best friend,” but when asked how many times he cheated on her, he admitted to losing count. This is the cruelest meaning of the phrase, “a wolf in sheep’s clothing.” Collectively, we need to stop honoring the idea that tears of distress and agony are a reasonable expectation in relationships. We do not destroy that which we love, nor do we destroy those whom we love.

2) Wear your low self-esteem like a badge of honor.

As narcissistic as Leonard appears to be in the video, underneath that arrogance lies a man who is in his lowest form. People who destroy others are often dealing with a great deal of internal violence. They have such a pitiful sense of self-worth that their validation must come at the expense of others. The need to feel superior is always present and without having women or men around who they can manipulate and control, they are left to face their inferiorities head on. That’s a battle they are not equipped to win. So, instead of admitting that they are suffering from self-hatred, they attempt to break others. This allows them to feel powerful despite their clear deficiencies. However, people like Leonard are witty enough to understand these tactics only work on people who also suffer from low self-esteem.

3) Have a lack of accountability and be manipulative.

After Kourtney catches Leonard cheating, he blames her for the relationship changing. He expressed discontent with the fact that she would go through his phone, which alluded to the idea that she was to blame for the relationship ending. Taking a moment to dissect his non-verbal and verbal communication, it was easy to conclude that he was accustomed to avoiding accountability and manipulating women into believing that they were responsible for his distasteful actions. Individuals like him have a difficult time owning their BS. Instead, they find subtle ways to shift the blame, so they can maneuver out of having to express remorse or admit fault.

4) Use other people as “means to an end.”

There are some people who are so inhumane to the point where they are willing to step on and over anyone to get to their end goal. Not only did he tell her he cheated because he wasn’t ready to commit, in the same breath he told her she was a great girlfriend and he was lucky to have her. Know that as difficult as it may be to believe, there are some people in this world who only care about themselves. Being self-investing is not problematic, but be watchful and steer clear of individuals who are willing to subject others to hurt and devastation if it serves them.

5) Always leave a crack in the door.

Leonard ends the conversation by telling Kourtney how remarkable she is and how he was lucky to have her.

He says, “I hope in the future we can remain good friends and I get a chance to see you grow into the woman you are becoming.”

There are some people who will come into your life, rip apart and ruin everything you have worked so hard to accomplish. When they leave, they will depart in a way that will keep you by the window waiting for them to come back a better person. Message: When you finally remove a person like this out of your life, barricade the door!

Jazz Keyes is a clinical psychologist, poetess and a nationally certified Life Purpose and Career Coach. She has devoted a great deal of her time and energy on mastering the art of communication in order to create healthy, dynamic, long-lasting relationships. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter @jazzkeyes.