JET Love

How Real Love Will Trigger Your Trust Issues

After 8 years of being single and having more than a few bad dates to reference, it is difficult to believe in the idea of love in a society that makes it virtually impossible to connect with someone.

I mean, what is Tinder? Why are dating apps designed in the same manner that you would order a pizza? “Yes, I would like a large, 6’5 athletic Black man with a career and a side of moral values, please. Hold the kids.” How do you really gauge if someone is feeling you through abbreviations and text messages? And if you do get a chance to communicate with someone, you get random texts like, “You kno I’m feelin’ u gurl. We ain’t gotta be all serious. I can be just like yur sex toy or something.”

This was an actual text message I received from a guy I exchanged numbers with while waiting in line for Chinese food.  I read it when I got home and wondered what it was about my gym outfit and egg foo young that made this guy think, “She’s going.”

Needless to say, dating is a little harder now than the movies have led us to believe.  But what happens when you actually do find someone that takes you seriously, that says all of the right things, that actually gives a crap about your bad day without the conversation leading to some quip about coming over to “Make it better?” What happens when you need to be vulnerable when you’ve been navigating the dating world with an Iron Man suit around your heart? Well, the short answer is that you lose your f***king mind.  You go bat s*** crazy. I don’t mean to ruin the end for you, but um, you are not going to get through this transition without a bit of push back from your soul.

I never was a jealous woman.  I didn’t do the whole checking his text messages or screening of his calls when it came to anyone I’ve ever dated. I always figured that was something that you did when you’re not secure in your relationship.  But, I was finding myself worried that every text notification I heard from his phone was another woman looking to break what I have. I realized it wasn’t the relationship I was insecure about; it was me. I began to wonder if I was smart enough, special enough, pretty enough for him to really want to be with me, because I certainly hadn’t believed any of that before, and I wasn’t expected to.

My past was sneaking back into my present relationship in ways that left me a bit raw.  I might as well have worn a sign indicating that my bridge was out in 400 feet.  Every fear that I harbored regarding relationships popped up like land mines in my early days with him.  It was this different type of love and the experience of falling in it that I began to recognize that something was tap dancing on insecurities that I’ve never admitted to having before.  It was the first time I had to trust that this man had my best intentions at heart, and it scared the f*** out of me.

Most of the time, I dated men I knew had an expiration date. It was protection for me, not having to really invest in the process and trust that true love requires.  I feel that many of us find ourselves in a similar trap of dating what we know will never churn out the way that we really need it to be.  For me, those encounters simply confirmed all the insecurities I had about myself, and I gravitated towards those that would constantly feed into them. It’s easier to take the familiar route despite its high failure rate, simply because many of us would have to face the realization that we’ve got some work to do on our own part. It’s the reality that maybe we’ve had our heart broken a few times in the past because we really didn’t know our own value and settled for that which was easy, available and hell, just there.I know that is how I view some of my past, having invested so much in people that would have trouble finding two hours to invest in me.

Real love became the mirror that reflected all of which I never wanted to admit about myself, because for it to exist, he had to know that those ugly corners were there, too, and I had no idea how to clean them myself.

Believe me, I’m not certain if this will last or if I won’t find myself picking my heart up off the floor again one day, but what I can tell you is that I am different from it all and everything that I used to settle for I can never see accepting again.  And if that is the only thing I have left to carry from this relationship, it was a lesson well learned.

Love does exist. Romance is alive and well and yes, heartbreak is out there, too.  But I’d trade one epic loss where I have a new understanding of self worth and value over a thousand encounters of the Chinese food guy any day of the week.  You deserve love, so claim it.