9 Signs You Should Stay Single
Many of us have jumped head first into relationships convinced that life is incomplete or unfilled if we do not have someone to brand, “my man or my woman.” Absent of true understanding, we haul ourselves in and out of relationships for no other reason other than feeling like this is what we are supposed to do.
And if being with someone is what we are designed to do, being alone must be living against our nature.
This is not always the case. In fact, there are some distinct times when you should absolutely embrace solitude. This is the first and probably the last time I will encourage readers not to seek love, but if you exhibit any of the below characteristics, you will understand why you may not be ready for relationship.
1. Compare and contrast.
Relationships are an excellent tool for helping us to create a mental prototype for our ideal mate. Within the comforts of our relationship, both good and bad, we are able to clearly define our likes and dislikes. For example, I dated a guy who I could laugh with about the simplest things. We could literally keep ourselves entertained for hours. What I learned from that relationship was that humor and lightheartedness are major components of my ideal relationship. However, when that relationship ended, I did not dismiss every other person who attempted to get close to me simply because they could not make me laugh the way my ex did. If you constantly find yourself comparing potential partners to your old flame, entertaining a new relationship should be the furthest thing from your mind.
2. There’s no “I” in “team.”
Years ago my ex told me I was selfish. He said that all I cared about was my dreams and my personal goals. Like fingernails to a chalkboard, I remember him telling me, “You need to just be single Jazz, because you aren’t ready to share your life with anyone.”
No matter how much I verbally denied his accusations, he and I both knew he was right. I was too selfish for a relationship. Relationships require consideration of someone else’s needs. This can be emotionally taxing to a selfish person, especially if their partner’s needs do not align with theirs. The beauty of being alone is that it doesn’t put you in a position to have to consider anyone aside from yourself. If you know your primary focus right now is self, don’t hold someone else’s life up waiting for you to come around. Remain single until you are satisfied and fully prepared to share yourself with another person.
3. Routine maintenance.
Adulthood is overrated. On any giving day, most of us are forced to do something we really don’t want to do, but we have been stripped of our right to say “no” (i.e., work, bills). Being in a relationship should feel less like a household chore and more like a reward. We put unnecessary pressure on ourselves when attempting to find love as opposed to preparing ourselves for when it comes. If you coerce yourself into dating before you are ready, you run the risk of treating your relationship like another item on your to-do list.
4. You don’t know if you’re coming or going.
Nothing creates a mess like letting your brokenness make life altering decisions. Constantly being in a state of contemplation or delirium is an undeniable sign that your mind is not yet caught up to what you heart wants. You cannot make clear and appropriate decisions if your head is clouded. You have to figure out which direction you are headed in before you can ask someone else to accompany you on your journey.
5. Wearing your hurt like a second layer of skin.
Every morning you wake up and dress yourself in pain, misery, and sorrow. Never leaving home without it, you are so accustom to wearing your hurt to the point that it has become apart of your daily attire. Identical to a leech, sadness has a way of attaching itself to us and sucking us dry of any joy we may have. If you find yourself being low on tolerance, easily annoyed, or simply bitter and disgusted most of the time, a relationship is only going to bandage that temporarily. This is not your season for love, but for healing your soul.
6. You know you can’t commit.
Admittedly, I used to have serious issues with commitment. When my cell phone company would ask me to renew my contract I would damn near start convulsing, so you can just about imagine my reaction when someone I was dating mentioned getting serious. I could commit to a title, I could commit to social media posts, I could even commit to the idea of commitment. Yet, when it was time to actually move to the next level, I got cold feet and panicked. I looked for reasons to run away from my relationships.
What I realized is that my fear is not commitment, but settling. Not necessarily settling because the person I was dating wasn’t good enough, but settling into a lifestyle that I was not yet sure I wanted. It is perfectly OK to be single. Ask anyone who has been hurt by a person who cannot commit and they will tell you the same. It is better to live your life with no constraints than to hurt someone in the process of trying to figure out who you are.
7. You haven’t learned your lesson.
Ever wonder why you keep ending up in the same relationships with the same types of people? Over the span of 4 years, I dated the same person over and over again, just in a different physical form. I can chuckle about it now because I understand what was happening. I continued to leave relationships without learning my lesson. You can’t get an F in Algebra and expect to advance to Algebra II. You have to retake the class until you learn the material. I was so focused on how the other person was at fault that I couldn’t see how I was contributing to my own demise.
Don’t jeopardize your ability to love by repeating the same relationship over and over again. Instead of trying to do the bare minimum to pass this class, sit down and retain what life is trying to teach you. Refusing to self reflect is refusing to grow. If you do neither of these things, you will forever be stuck in the same position.
8. You ooze desperation.
Be conscious of what you put in the universe. Pleading for love without being specific will make you a magnet for savages. The odor of desperation tells vulturous men/women that you are easy prey. Clean up so you can attract the best.
9. Hocus pocus.
You should probably stay single if you believe that a relationship will magically solve your problems. If this is your mentality, you are looking for a savior and not a soulmate.
I genuinely love the idea of love. Love is liberating, spontaneous, sexy, economically solid, and spiritually sound. Despite taking the occasional swim in my own thoughts, reality reminds me that all things supreme require labor, so be sure that before you profess that love is what you desire, you are firmly planted in self. I urge anyone who is sure that they are in a position to offer and welcome in love to open their arms.
Jazz Keyes is a community activist, poetess and a nationally certified Life Purpose and Career Coach. Keyes supplies clients with the necessary tools and techniques to awaken their divine energy, heal their open wounds and create an aura of love, compassionate and tranquility. In 2013, Keyes was named “13 People to Watch For” by Rockford Register Star and in honor of Black History Month 2014, Keyes was recently named a“Neighborhood Hero” by ComEd’s Power of One Campaign. Keyes in currently pursuing her Masters in Clinical Psychology and hopes to one day be a best-selling author and motivational speaker. She has devoted a great deal of her time and energy on mastering the art of communication in order to create healthy, dynamic, long-lasting relationships.