Love Or Loneliness? Why You May Want A Mate
Frozen in the misery and sadness of solitude,being “lonely” is one of the main reasons people give when asked why they want a relationship. Sold on the idea that a relationship is the sole remedy for loneliness, most people rush into new love without taking proper inventory of their lives before committing themselves to another person.
Before you get into a new relationship, make sure have completed an honest and true inventory of yourself. The goal is to uncover whether or not you are truly ready for a relationship, or if you are simply looking for completion in another person. Here are questions to ask yourself:
Is it companionship or physical intimacy that you yearn for?
Loneliness occurs when a person sees a difference between their desired and actual relationship involvement. When loneliness overcomes you, it is important to evaluate your feelings. What is it that you believe you are missing out on by not being in a relationship?
If it is the presence of another person or physical touch that you are missing, this doesn’t necessarily mean that you are ready for a relationship. Don’t use people to occupy your space or pass your time. Be patient with the process. Love is not something you want to rush. Instead of looking to another person for physical fulfillment, focus your energy on creating or enhancing your friendships.
Are you romanticizing relationships?
Media does a superb job of over promoting the positives of relationships while minimizing the not-so-glorious moments. Glamorizing relationships causes us to lose all logic and we forget to truly examine the pros and cons. We want to feed our desires for romantic dates, play fighting, family meals, and passionate sex, all while neglecting the reality that relationships are not a skip through the park.
Before getting into a relationship, make sure you are not infatuated with the idea of a relationship. If you are honest with yourself, you may find that aside from the occasional longing for affection, you are perfectly content being single. When you’re lonely, it is easy to idealize relationships, but it is important to ask yourself if you are in love with the idea of being in love. If the answer is yes, you need to pause your search for a partner and enjoy your independence.
Do you have a measurement for excellence?
Why are you single? Why did your last relationship end? Is there a pattern in the type of people you attract? What do you need from your spouse to be happy?
These are all questions we need to ask ourselves before dating. Instead of drowning in your feelings of loneliness, use this time to create your “measurement for excellence.” Your measurement for excellence is a list of things you have to offer and a list of things you need from your partner. It is imperative that before you start dating you feel whole and complete, otherwise you will attach yourself to the first person who gives you the attention you so desperately crave. Your measurement of excellence is a reminder of what it is you bring to the table, and it will ensure you are not allowing parasites to feast off you.
Are you a serial monogamist?
Sadly, the fear of being without another person drives some people into unhealthy relationships. Guilty of serial monogamy, I know firsthand how chaotic and exhausting this cycle can be. You find someone you vibe with, you date, you end up in a relationship, everything is perfect, it goes downhill, the relationship ends, and then you start all over again. Do not allow your loneliness to push you into a relationship if you are not ready. Before dating ask yourself, “Do I move from one relationship to another because I am terrified to be by myself?”
While the enjoyment of a new partner can help reduce the pain from past relationships, proper healing cannot occur in the presence of others. This requires alone time and self-reflection. Solitude can be rewarding if you use that time to be attentive to your own needs. Learning to love yourself is the best way to teach your partner how to love you.
Do you have a firm grasp on who you are?
What are the things that make your heart beat fast? What are your emotional and spiritual needs? Are your finances in order? What are your hobbies and passions? Are you living in your purpose?
If you do not know yourself, you will allow your relationships to mold you. You need to know with confidence who you are before deciding to share your life with someone else. Do not look for someone to fill your emptiness. Instead, become whole first and then find someone who adds value to your life.
Are you so fixated on your loneliness that you forget to celebrate your blessings?
Try not to fixate on your feelings of loneliness. Instead, divert your attention and hone in on all of the things you have to celebrate. Expressing gratitude is the surest way to invite in more things to be grateful for.
Jazz Keyes is a community activist, poetess and a nationally certified Life Purpose and Career Coach. Keyes supplies clients with the necessary tools and techniques to awaken their divine energy, heal their open wounds and create an aura of love, compassionate and tranquility. In 2013, Keyes was named “13 People to Watch For” by Rockford Register Star and in honor of Black History Month 2014, Keyes was recently named a“Neighborhood Hero” by ComEd’s Power of One Campaign. Keyes in currently pursuing her Masters in Clinical Psychology and hopes to one day be a best-selling author and motivational speaker. She has devoted a great deal of her time and energy on mastering the art of communication in order to create healthy, dynamic, long-lasting relationships.