Should You Love Him Like You Would Your Son?
This article is going to divide readers, especially, my women readers. That’s OK because a little controversy never hurt anyone!
The argument I am going to make will vibrate within the depths of some women’s souls. Suddenly, things will click and the suggestions offered in this article will be immediately applied to their relationships and marriages.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, some women will read this reflection and reject it without hesitation. These women will be so disturbed by my proposition to the point that they will instinctively forward this link to the head of the local, “men haters” club in complete disgust.
Candidly speaking, years ago I would have done the same thing!
They will question whether or not this approach will actually produce a drastic change in their relationship success, and even if they believe it will, they will pause before actually applying these techniques to their relationships.
Admittedly, I have found residency at all of these positions in some point in my life. However, a more wise and sculpted woman, I propose this perspective not only because I know that it works, but because it’s an ideology built from experiences and collected from the complaints of men.
Five years ago, I was introduced to REAL love. Relationships before my daughter were defective. They had gaping holes filled with rules and conditions. Relationships after my child were predestined for failure because I was selfish. I wanted love, but not at the risk of having to take away from the love I needed to give my child. When the relationSHIP got too heavy, I would throw love overboard to preserve the life and innocence of my child.
I honored a life that would consist of me finding a relationship once my child was grown. I remember reading the Bible and coming across a scripture that alluded to the idea that wives were supposed to love their husbands before their children.
At that very moment, I was willing to ostracize myself from God for the sake of my child. God was delirious if HE thought I would ever love another person the way that I loved my daughter. The thought seemed unfathomable.
Years later, I revisit that scripture and although I am not insanely religious, I questioned why God would give women the burden of loving a man with such intensity? He made this request because we are the only species on Earth that can fully connect a man with his higher self. Men cannot sustain on their own.
Pushed into the world and forced to be hunters, God knew that without a woman’s nurturing, encouragement, softness, and compassion, men would never seek Him out. A man without a concrete foundation will dismantle everything.
Once a woman enters motherhood, something shifts. We discover a side of ourselves that we never knew existed. We are softened, more patient, selfless, and all forgiving.
So, what would relationships look like IF we loved our spouses the way we love our children?
Softer Tones Get Better Results
I carried my child in my womb for 9 months. She entered this world desperately seeking the warmth and comfort she had in my womb. I coddled her and fed her from my body. I prayed over her, sang her lullabies, and promised her the world. Five years later, I still speak to her with the same softness. On the rare occasions I have to speak to her sternly, I apologize immediately.
When I want to get a message to her, I do so at her level. I soften my tone, and I speak to her with absolute gentleness. After I have corrected her, I shower her with affection. This interaction creates an environment where my child feels safe and free to express herself. I do not speak to her harshly, because her feelings matter to me.
However, I have not always been as compassionate with my significant others. I would stab them to death with swear words and finger pointing. When arguments got heated, I was quick to jump in my significant other’s face to prove my point. I was so belligerent. I could leave a verbal stain on the ego so good that Ajax couldn’t remove it.
I would get in a complete uproar and not accomplish a damn thing! Like children the moment you start to yell and scream, your man will tune you out! Instead, of being a ball of frustration, talk to your significant other like you should your child.
When you are upset, instead of lashing out, say nothing. Learn how to remain silent until you can provide effective communication. Do not talk when you’re angry no matter how long it takes to calm down.
Once your are collected, sit across the table from your significant other at eye level, and in a soft tone, ask him if you can share with him what is bothering you. Without raising your voice, gently explain how you feel.
Corresponding with your significant other in this manner will not only get your message across, but will reduce the tension in your home, and more importantly, this communication style will leave your significant other with his sense of dignity still intact.
Like a child, you cannot shred a man’s sense of pride and expect him to piece it back together and be the head of your home.
Free Tip: Men will give you any and everything they have and more as a man if they feel valued. Compliment your man often. Romance him (dinner, massage, head rub, clean home). Praise his efforts. Remind him why he is the best provider, lover, confidant, partner in the world and he will continuously perform in an effort to appease. Some may write this off as being submissive or catering too much. I see it as reminding your partner why you are invaluable and worthy of the best he has to give!
Stop Looking Past God-like Men Waiting for God
We are our children’s first teacher. We instill morals and values into our seeds, and teach them right from wrong. We are the reason they know hot stoves burn and to be home before street lights come on. While we can all probably use some help in the patience department, we do our best to guide our children into adulthood with grace.
The same way our children sometimes need step-by-step instructions throughout life, our significant others need to be taught how to provide us with the love we need.
Guilty myself, I hear women assert, “I ain’t got time to teach a man how to be a man.” That mentality has undoubtedly caused us to look past God-like men who are waiting for God. No man is coming to you blemish free. If a good one finds you, be willing to take out your grandma’s handkerchief and clean him up a bit.
A mother may teach a man that women are to be cherished and respected, but you have to be patient enough to teach that man specifically what you need. We do not expect perfection from our children and we do not bash them for their mistakes; your mate needs the same. Give them the ability to grow and learn within the context of your relationship without bashing and belittling them when they fall short.
Give Him An “A” For Effort
I am overly attentive to my child. I know what she loves, her favorite food, and I consistently water her flower of creativity. I never miss an opportunity to show my child how passionate I am about the things that make her smile!
In our relationships, we should be equally inspired to help our significant others flourish. Take the time to figure out the things that make your sweetheart’s pulse race and allow them to do them often, with or without you.
I’ll keep this example simple. Your man loves sports. How do you demonstrate effort in what interest him?
Ask him who his favorite team is. Purchase game tickets or buy him memorabilia. Go to a sports bar with him. If he likes to watch the game with his guys, open your home up for game day festivities and make food for him and his friends.
Men aren’t complex. They simply want to know that you’re paying attention to them and you care about what is important to him. He may not pay you ANY attention during that game, but after he will surely praise you for being the best woman in the world!
Love Holds No Records
I can tell you the exact date, time, location, aroma in the room, and outfit I was wearing the night I found out my high school boyfriend had another girlfriend. That was almost 10 years ago. For years, I had a vice grip on all the wrongs everyone had ever done to me. I never forgot anything.
With my child, I extend forgiveness before she even apologizes. I hold no records of her wrongs. A simple “sorry” from her wipes away all of her transgressions. She forgives me the same.
Similarly, mercy and compassion needs to be handed to our significant others. No one wants to constantly have to live in their mistakes. In a relationship, once an issue has been resolved, do not keep that record stored away for a later argument. That is how resentment builds. Forgive your companion the same way that you show grace to your children.
I pray you that all seek and find everything you need and more. Move in love. Until we meet again lovers and friends. Be well. Be prosperous. Be passionate.
Jazz Keyes is a community activist, poetess and a nationally certified Life Purpose and Career Coach. Keyes supplies clients with the necessary tools and techniques to awaken their divine energy, heal their open wounds and create an aura of love, compassionate and tranquility. In 2013, Keyes was named “13 People to Watch For” by Rockford Register Star and in honor of Black History Month 2014, Keyes was recently named a“Neighborhood Hero” by ComEd’s Power of One Campaign. Keyes in currently pursuing her Masters in Clinical Psychology and hopes to one day be a best-selling author and motivational speaker. She has devoted a great deal of her time and energy on mastering the art of communication in order to create healthy, dynamic, long-lasting relationships.