Stop Being Fooled By ‘I Love You’
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Who are the easiest people to lie to? Those who truly, even desperately, want to believe the liar—especially if they’re desirous of, or emotionally invested, in a relationship with that person. It’s why many parents believe their children when they say that they’re doing fine in school, never experiment with drugs and are not sexually active, even when confronted with evidence (condoms and rolling papers, but no homework or studying) that these things aren’t so. It’s also why men often get away with repeatedly lying to women: the gullible truly want to believe, no matter how many times they are betrayed by reality.
Of course, it works both ways—for example, the male ego will often blind a man to the possibility that his woman could actually cheat on him, so when she says she hasn’t been with anyone else, he’ll likely believe her. Even if she gets pregnant and delivers a baby that bears no resemblance to him, he’ll more likely raise the child as his own than bring a case before Judge Lauren Lake on Paternity Court.
But for the purposes of this post, we want to make the point that women who repeatedly fall for men’s deceptions in relationships do so because they want to believe the lie. The cure to such unhealthy gullibility is the truth, and the courage to face and accept it—a non-negotiable principle of living in the Grown Zone. Only then can it set you free of repeated betrayals and unhealthy romantic foolery. Ladies, if you are truly tired of his lies, you must stop lying to yourself. Start with rejecting the biggest lie, the one women will ignore all kinds of contradicting evidence to believe: I love you.
Too many women are so desperate (or ego-driven) to believe it when a man says these words that she will tolerate almost anything he does as long as he says them insistently and repeatedly enough, especially during and immediately after sex. However, in the Grown Zone, healthy love never justifies exchanging your brains for a box of rocks—no matter what the movies, songs and poems say. Grown folks know that just because you feel love for someone does not mean they deserve you, or that you must or should give yourself to them. Not everyone who says I love you is qualified to do it. It’s up to you to set and enforce the standard. Love is demonstrated, not just stated.
Hearing the words “I love you” naturally makes us feel good, but when it’s used as an apology—a “get-out-of-jail-free” card for disrespect, abuse or neglect—it’s a lie, no matter how much we wish otherwise. Authentic loving is about how well you are being treated, not just how you are being made to feel. If he does not treat you with honor, esteem and respect—at all times, not just when he is trying to get back into your home, your bed, your purse and/or your good graces—let him go, no matter how many times he says “I love you.”
The truth may hurt, but only if you refuse to face it, accept it, and respond to it accordingly. The pain of the truth is temporary and ultimately healing—it indeed sets you free. Lies, on the other hand, imprison; they cause real damage and injury to lives and relationships. The first step to protecting yourself from the deceptions of others is to release your need to believe them. Once you know better, you can choose better.
People decide how to treat you largely by watching how you treat yourself. Fail to love yourself and others will follow your lead. Lying to yourself emboldens others to lie to you as well. Telling yourself that someone loves you when it’s not true is anything but an act of self-love.
Get away from those people who tell you how much they love you while continually or repeatedly committing unloving acts. Live in the Grown Zone.
Join us for Grown Zone Radio, where we’ll share more on this topic Saturday, April 12, 2014 at 12 noon EST online or call in: (714) 364-4724.
For a FREE copy of 9 Keys To Living In The Grown Zone, click here.
Zara Green and Alfred Edmond Jr., named to Black Love Forum’s “14 Most Inspiring Black Couples” list for 2014, are co-principals of A2Z Personal Growth Enterprises, producer of The Grown Zone. Zara is a speaker/trainer & author. Alfred is an award-winning journalist and expert on business and personal finance. The couple, both “Do-Better Fanatics”, lead sessions on personal growth, self-love and resiliency, healthy relationships and “grown” decision-making at live events across the country.
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