A Love Note For The Angry Black Woman
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So misinterpreted, so misunderstood, and thus so mishandled, is the Angry Black Woman. There may be so many things that she has the right to be angry about, but it’s not really her nature to be angry. Most are just hurt and scared; and want to be accepted and loved.
It’s true: Hurt people, hurt people. And without the tools to deal with emotional hurts, people make agreements with themselves to do whatever it takes to not feel that pain again. Out of fear, walls are built, language to defend against future hurts is created, and a way of being—established from that place of fear—is born. So what looks like an angry Black woman is a woman who has more faith in the hurtful places of her life than in the potential for joy she could be experiencing. But that need not be a life sentence.
Anger is not the problem. In fact, it’s a lie–a crutch even. Because when you really get angry, you’ll stop acting out like a wounded child fueled by hurts and do something. Anger says, “I’m fed up,” “No more”; healthy anger inspires conviction, a commitment to make change.
When you really get angry something shifts inside that says, “I deserve and choose better.” You transform from reactive to proactive. You change how you relate to the circumstances that make you most angry, the things that have hurt you, including behaviors you’ve tolerated, what you believe about your own worth, things you do, conversations you have and the way you see the world. When that slight, but powerful, shift happens, you’ve tapped into a different consciousness; an awareness that you can now benefit from because you’re now forwardly focused on moving beyond the pain.
Here’s the real problem: Your environments, including past and present relationships, are producing thoughts and behaviors not rooted in self-love. Your anger is feeding your fears about being hurt, causing you to attract the same kinds of hurtful experiences—validating your fears. Your experiences are indeed facts in your life, but facts don’t equal truth. The truth is that you can change what you get by shifting your consciousness—one thought at a time.
You can’t change your past, no matter how horrid, but if you don’t change how you relate to your past, bitter is what you’ll become. We’re telling you that you deserve better; a better consciousness of mind, a peaceful spirit and a joyous life. You deserve a new, hopeful mindset and approach to life and relationships rooted in healthy self-love, built on a foundation of loving, nurturing and healing yourself. Better is available to you, but only you can choose it. How?
Allow love to abound, starting with you. It’s your life! Choose it—just as it is. Own it—the good, the bad and the ugly. Change it—as long as you can breathe and learn, it can get better! Begin by working on your most important relationship—the one you have with yourself—in recognition of the fact that healthy relationship choices must be rooted in self-love. Living By Design: How to Freely Be Who You Are by Zara Green is a great resource to jump start the self-love affair.
Acknowledge and embrace all that is, including all of the good that exists in the world. If you haven’t experienced much good it’s because you’ve ignored it; not welcomed it into your life. “Good,” including loving, healthy relationships with others, won’t force itself on you; it goes only where it is recognized, invited and welcome.
Stop defining yourself by your old experiences. There is no room for “good” if you won’t release the “bad.” As long as you carry your past with you in your present and allow the emotions of those experiences to operate today as they did when they happened, you’ll remain hurt and grow bitter. You are not what happened. It happened. You lived to tell about it and to have more, different, better experiences. That moment (those moments) passed when the experience was over. Allow yourself new experiences, enriched by the lessons learned from the previous ones, including the bad and the ugly. Whether pleasing and joyful, or horrific and hurtful, they are meant to teach you, not to define you.
You won’t have “better” by forgetting your past, rather by embracing, learning and growing from it, and then expecting and allowing a future that you once could not imagine for yourself. When you believe you deserve more, you really do stop allowing (in thought and in life) less. Your former self needs three things from you: tenderness, forgiveness and acceptance. Not from others. From you. Your current healing and future stability depend on it.
Here’s to a new consciousness, a joyous tomorrow and a better future for the Angry Black Woman—angry no more, but full of self-love and committed to personal growth. Here’s to living in the Grown Zone.
For a FREE copy of 9 Keys To Living In The Grown Zone, click here.
Zara Green and Alfred Edmond Jr., named to Black Love Forum’s “14 Most Inspiring Black Couples” list for 2014, are co-principals of A2Z Personal Growth Enterprises, producer of The Grown Zone. Zara is a speaker/trainer & author. Alfred is an award-winning journalist and expert on business and personal finance. The couple, both “Do-Better Fanatics”, lead sessions on personal growth, self-love and resiliency, healthy relationships and “grown” decision-making at live events across the country.
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