To Find Healthy Love, Embrace Your Single Life
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Are you unhappily single? Do you feel that something is missing from your life because you are not in a relationship? Here’s a love note from the Grown Zone: Your happiness is not out there with the “right” person or “the one.” It is within you. You are “the one.” This is why Grown, healthy relationships and Good Love can only be built on a foundation of self-love. If you do not value life as a single person, it is highly improbable, if not impossible, that you will find happiness as a partner in a healthy relationship. To find healthy love, you must embrace and value your single life.
The purpose of single life is not to merely kill time until the next relationship. It is the time to focus on and cultivate your most important relationship: the one you have with yourself. Unfortunately, too many people buy into the romantic foolery that says life is less valuable and meaningful for single people than it is for those in relationships—even if those relationships are unhealthy. This notion is fed when relatives, friends and others ask “Why are you STILL single? When are you going to find someone? Why aren’t you married?” and other questions that imply that a person is only single for an extended period because there is something wrong.
People who buy into this notion surrender responsibility for their own happiness, while waiting for someone else—that “special someone”—to bring it to them. In so doing, the disappointment and devaluation of living single become a self-fulfilling prophesy, as lower expectations produce a disheartening pessimism about single life. Eventually, this lends itself to the belief that life in a relationship—any relationship—is better than being single. And this leads to lowered standards, poor choices, and adult-and-messy foolery, as unhappy singles desperately seek someone—anyone—to bring them the love, happiness, joy, security and fulfillment they are convinced they are missing as a single person.
Here’s the truth: It is not Grown to expect a relationship to provide what you are not committed to providing for yourself. The capacity for others to love you can never exceed the love you demonstrate for yourself. Furthermore, you don’t attract what you want in relationships, but what you are. So if you want financial security in a relationship, you need to commit to providing that for yourself. If tender, loving treatment is what you desire, then you should be giving that to yourself as a single person. If you seek forgiveness, compassion and emotional safety in a relationship, you must be committed to requiring that of yourself in single life. If you want a relationship rich with fun, joy and adventure, then that is exactly the life you should be pursuing as a single person. On the other hand, if you are desperate and unhappy as a single person, you are neither qualified nor prepared for a healthy relationship and you will attract and choose anything but.
“Single” is the best status for everybody at some point in their lives. Be mindful not to feed inadequacies by making it a “bad” thing. Do not neglect yourself under the mistaken belief that your life should be put on hold until you find a relationship, and that it has no meaning or purpose without one. This means rejecting the notion that you are somehow less valuable as a single person than you would be if you were married or in a committed relationship. If your desire for a relationship is about filling a self-love void (or to secure the approval and affirmation of others, including parents, friends and relatives), it is not healthy. Neediness always leads to poor choices. You have a right to happiness; that right is not withheld or abridged by your single status. Stop waiting for someone else to give it to you.
The best way to prepare for enduring, healthy and loving relationships as a single person is to focus less on trying to find the “right” person, and invest more into personal growth, in learning to be your best you. When you have an active, healthy, and intentionally loving relationship with yourself, you are never by yourself. You will not pursue, engage or stay in unhealthy relationships out of desperation and loneliness, or due to the mistaken belief that you are “less than” as a single person. When you become an unqualified expert on what is good and healthy for you, you train yourself to recognize who is ready, willing and able to meet that standard of care for you in a relationship. Even better, you are far more likely to attract those most likely to celebrate the life you’ve created and the person you’ve chosen to be as a single person. Such people happen to be your best candidates for a healthy relationship. By the way, any relationship that requires you to surrender the life you’ve created for yourself and the person you’ve chosen to be is not healthy for you, no matter how strong your feelings may be for each other.
A Grown, single person is happy, healthy and whole all by themselves. He or she does not seek and chase after relationships. Instead, they focus on living their best life and becoming their best selves, while remaining open to relationships that can enhance both. Grown singles do not seek and choose the best of what’s available; they attract and sort according to what is best for them, according to an uncompromising standard of self-love.
The best way to prepare for a healthy loving relationship is to make the most of the personal growth opportunities presented by single living. No other person is the key to your happiness; you are the key. Others can only enhance or diminish what you establish. Commit to creating your best life as a single person. If a potential relationship does not enhance that life, you don’t need it. Embrace your single life in the Grown Zone.
For a FREE copy of 9 Keys To Living In The Grown Zone, click here.
(Image via Shutterstock)
Zara Green and Alfred Edmond Jr., named to Black Love Forum’s “14 Most Inspiring Black Couples” list for 2014, are co-principals of A2Z Personal Growth Enterprises, producer of The Grown Zone. Zara is a speaker/trainer & author. Alfred is an award-winning journalist and expert on business and personal finance. The couple, both “Do-Better Fanatics”, lead sessions on personal growth, self-love and resiliency, healthy relationships and “grown” decision-making at live events across the country.
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