Grown Zone

Don’t Confuse Sex And Love On Valentine’s Day

All over America, people will overspend, tolerate mistreatment, neglect their own needs—or all of the above—just to have somebody on Valentine's Day.
Credit: Thinkstock

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Everywhere you go there it is—from billboards while driving and music on the radio, to television and movie plots where sharing bodies is as casual a notion as sharing a taxi, to well defined and over-exposed boobs and butts passing as you’re sitting at red lights—there’s no avoiding messages of sex. We live in a culture that practically shoves sex down our throats. Now add the hyper-commercial romanticism of Valentine’s Day to that mix, with advertising and culture telling you you’re nothing if nobody wants you, and everything if they all do–the more, the better. Either you’re sexually desirable or you’re desperate. Because society has done a bang-up job making sex synonymous with love, Valentine’s Day presents many opportunities for PooNannie Phoolery™. All over America, people will overspend, surrender their bodies, tolerate mistreatment, neglect their own needs—or all of the above—just to have a Valentine. And too many find out far too late—often as soon as the wee hours of the morning of February 15—that love had nothing to do with it! 

Everybody, with rare exception, not only wants love, but needs it. Veterans of the Grown Zone know that loving (beginning with ourselves and extending to others) and growing (a result of healthy love) is why each of us were created. There are times throughout life when you may be more focused on school, career, parenting or your own personal growth—all great reasons to not be boo’d up. But for most adults, there will come a time when you’ll want a consistent, healthy, meaningful, emotionally secure romantic relationship—somebody to share your life with.

Unfortunately, too often, those who desire somebody to love them all life-long are settling for those who only want to love them all night long. And make no mistake: multiple nights of all-night “good” loving is not the fast track to being well-loved for a lifetime, nor does sexual prowess qualify either of you for loving, healthy, Grown relationships.

Women who use the PooNannie as bait will catch what it attracts: Not a Grown man, but a penis with a male attached to it (i.e. a penis-led man). Sexual chemistry and compatibility may keep romantic partners on the hook, but eventually they’ll each realize they are not compatible in areas that actually keep couples together (NO, it ain’t sex!) and make relationships fulfilling and joyful when the lights and the clothes are on. Only by then, they’re often in too deep (invested emotionally and financially, as well as maritally and as parents), all because the sex was good. (Once upon a time. Maybe. For him.) Sex is great for bringing people together, but it is horrible at keeping people together.

If great, but meaningless, sex with partners who also only want intimacy without attachment (you know that’s an oxymoron, right?), is all you really want, you have the adult right to hit it and quit it, to lay and get left. It’s your right! But if you think that you can find somebody you enjoy sexing and build a healthy relationship on that as your foundation, get ready for some dramatic turbulence, because as soon as something threatens the quality/quantity of the sex you can have, your relationship will crumble.

Sex has its place–in fact, it is an amazing, powerful, special thing. However, those for whom sex is most important are not ready for a healthy, Grown relationship. These are the husbands who “slip up” and end up in a hotel room with their co-worker’s wife; the girlfriend who bases her self-worth on her ability to out-freak all comers. (So what if she’s not sure who her child’s father is?) When the sex drive is the chauffeur, a wreck is always pending. There may not always be fatalities (though you can watch Discovery I.D. or any number of true-crime reality shows on TV to see that reckless sexual choices are very often the catalyst for murder). But there will always be emotional/psychological and sometimes physical injuries.

The basis for all healthy relationships is respect; for self and others. When you have sex with somebody who is not tried and true (who you don’t know and who does not know you), it’s the lowest form of intimacy, and what the Grown Zone considers a misuse of PooNannie Power™. Any two (or more) fools can screw, and too often they do, producing ripple effects and costly consequences that affect us all.

Ladies and gentlemen: don’t confuse sexual availability with a long-term desire for you and certainly not a commitment to you. People confuse sex for love all the time when one can (and often does) exist without the other. Sex as an expression of genuine love is a healthy, beautiful, life-affirming experience. But not everything sexual is sexy, and most sex has nothing to do with love. It’s not a moral judgement, it’s not about right or wrong. It’s about healthy or unhealthy—mentally, physically and most of all emotionally. A great, sex life can be the intoxicating, fragrant, perennial bloom of a healthy, loving relationship, but it is not the soil from which it can be nurtured, grow and bear good fruit.

Consider this message our Valentine to you. We hope you carry it with you as a reminder to Enter and Live In The Grown Zone.

For a FREE copy of, 9 Keys To Living In The Grown Zone, click here.


About GrownZone

Zara Green and Alfred Edmond Jr. are co-principals of A2Z Personal Growth Enterprises, producer of The Grown Zone. Zara is a speaker/trainer & author. Alfred is an award-winning journalist and expert on business and personal finance. The couple, both “Do-Better Fanatics”, lead sessions on personal growth, self-love and resiliency, healthy relationships and “grown” decision-making at live events across the country.

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