Grown Zone

3 Reasons To Avoid Casual Sex

All over America, people will overspend, tolerate mistreatment, neglect their own needs—or all of the above—just to have somebody on Valentine's Day.
Credit: Thinkstock

Welcome to the Grown Zone at We look forward to providing tools, advice and a reliable framework to help you to achieve honor, esteem, respect, prosperity, health (mental, physical and emotional), good relationships and self-loving behaviors for your life.

Regardless of the ever-increasing value people place on it as the basis or main qualifier for relationships, sex has never produced and never will produce healthy relationships. People do what they do because they believe in it. We’re not here to convince or convert, but to provide tools and information to challenge your beliefs about sex—and maybe even expand your options.

Here’s the first challenge: most sexual activity is the result of men’s failure to control natural physiological urges and women’s misguided attempts to secure a man, or to level the sexual playing field in the name of liberation and/or feminism. The result: a culture of sexual irresponsibility. The repercussions and consequences are so rampant that most are numb to their ripple effects and have accepted them as “just how it is.” Well, we hope to wake you up!

Please, hear us: You can sex whomever you want, whenever you want, however you want. We are not the moral police, but in the Grown Zone, we do acknowledge and call out the ripple effects of casual sex, and that’s what we’re addressing here.

Men are naturally penis-led.

Their penises wake them up very early in life—getting their attention like nothing else. Without an intervention, they go through life responding to it. Every man remembers his first erection. He’s amazed, even embarrassed by it in the beginning, but it’s also in that moment (at whatever age) that he realizes that what he’s only known as his urinator actually does other things; namely delivers intensely pleasurable sensations, the experience of which he becomes fixated on repeating.

His curiosity about what else it could do immediately becomes front of mind. As Zara’s father taught her very early in life: boys are penis-led, so it’s not his fault that he does stupid things in search of sexual release. Her father also taught her that for the rest of her life and at every stage, boys (and men, without an intervention) would come knocking, and that they would tell her anything in a moment if he thinks she’ll let him “hit it.” 

Penis-led boys don’t know any better. It’s why instead of teaching them that it’s natural to follow their little “heads,” we need to train them, early, that while the sensations are natural, there are proper and improper responses to them. We need to teach them that they need to be in control of their urges, because as long as their penises are in control, they’re loaded weapons capable of major destruction.

We repeat: you can sex whomever you want, whenever you want, however you want. We are not the moral police, but in the Grown Zone we do acknowledge and call out the ripple effect of loosey goosey sex, and that’s what we’re addressing here.

Women can never win in sex equality.

There’s no such thing, ladies, when it comes to the consequences of reckless sexual choices. You can be as liberated as you want in every area of life, but because male and female sexual urges are different we can’t treat them the same. Yes, your clitoris is as powerfully sensitive as the male’s penis (it actually has even more nerve endings), but it doesn’t hijack your thinking in the same way, so your experience is not the same. There’s nothing wrong with having a healthy sex drive and enjoying sex; it’s a wonderful thing. But it’s not healthy (mentally, emotionally, or physically) to respond to men’s arrested development regarding sex by intentionally arresting yours, which is what you do when you apply “if they can do it, we can, too” to sex. In fact, that’s a misuse of sexual liberation and a setback to feminism. Don’t lower your standards; raise them and require the men who would associate with you to meet or exceed them. They are capable, but it’s harder for penis-led men to become Grown men when there’s so much low hanging fruit.

Ladies, you’re not all looking for love, we get that! But just like men, if you ever hope to have a mutually loving relationship built on honor, esteem and respect, you’ve got to require it of yourself before you can experience it with others. When you’re casual about sex, you’re conditioning yourself and the men you’re having sex with.

You can’t declare that all men are dogs, or that you can’t find a man who’s willing to commit to only you, yet keep putting out the Kibbles ‘n Bits, and then wonder why “dogs” keep showing up. Change your bait. Stop serving up your body to men with sexual arrested development. Stop training (conditioning) them to go for the nearest and easiest—wet and warm hole. There are just too many sexually available women. Stop competing with them. You’ll never win. There will always be somebody who’ll out-freak you. Sooner or later you’ll desire somebody who’s capable of governing every member of his body. Adopt a different belief about sex. Get more tools in your attraction arsenal so you can begin to attract men who are making better decisions, with their upper heads in control. A Grown man is not ruled by his sex drive; and neither is a Grown woman.

Ladies, make your Next Decision Better .

Let us repeat: you can sex whomever you want, whenever you want, however you want. We are not the moral police, but in the Grown Zone we do acknowledge and call out the ripple effect of casual sex, and that’s what we’re addressing here.

We’ve Got To Do Better; Young People Are Watching

We each have a responsibility, male and female, to turn this thing around; to stop confusing the right to do something with the right things to do. We have a responsibility to stop declaring “I’m grown and sexy” when the behaviors are just adult and messy. When will we stop allowing the sexual music,  movies and rachet television to influence our decision-making, while letting chance influence, raise and short-circuit the decisions of our young people?

When men are ruled by their sex drive they’ll always find satisfaction. It’ll be to the detriment of women, children and society as a whole—but even they will not escape unscathed.

When women begin to focus more on why they embrace the “sexual revolution” rather than being more interested in making sure they’re not left out of it, they’ll create wholeness within themselves; an environment for healthy relationships that can last, that’s not based on sex, but certainly conducive to her really getting her freak on is she so desires. Doesn’t that feel better than s0-called sexual equality?

When we have men and women who first honor, esteem and respect themselves, we’ll have fewer people seeking immediate sexual gratification because we will have done the work for others to see that life is more than the next orgasm.

Live in the Grown Zone.

For a FREE copy of 9 Keys To Living In The Grown Zoneclick here.

About GrownZone


Zara Green and Alfred Edmond Jr., named to Black Love Forum’s “14 Most Inspiring Black Couples” list for 2014, are co-principals of A2Z Personal Growth Enterprises, producer of The Grown Zone. Zara is a speaker/trainer & author. Alfred is an award-winning journalist and expert on business and personal finance. The couple, both “Do-Better Fanatics”, lead sessions on personal growth, self-love and resiliency, healthy relationships and “grown” decision-making at live events across the country.

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