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JET Love

Love Advice: The Fairy Tale Romance

I had been slowly sipping on the harsh reality that the closest I might get to being swept off my feet was fiction, tucked away somewhere in the pages of a Disney story.

I kept drinking, hoping the more I consumed, the better actuality would taste. Unfair like red wine, the truth was bitter, aged, and snatched all the condensation from my mouth. I was parched. In my lifetime, I witnessed seemingly remarkable women drink the poison. The concoction that led them to drown any hope they had at finding true love. I promised myself I would never drink that sorrow. “I would be different.” I proclaimed. Yet, here I was, holding my breath and trying to stomach this venom. I took another sip. Truth was an acquired taste and I was going to have to train my palate to savor its crispness.

I was trying to salvage what remained of my fairy tale world. In my mind, I was classy. I drank “f*** love” potion from Swarovski crystalline toasting flutes, crossed my legs at the ankle, and sat with upright posture. Once upon a time, men whisked women away in magical carriages. “Happily ever after” didn’t allow for divorce decrees, and sea parting sex was the standard. Who was I fooling?

I was inebriated by the fantasy of love that I conjured up in my mind, only to be interrupted by the masculine antagonist. Every story has a villain. The bad guys had spidery senses, and they could sense a woman’s desperation and loneliness miles away. She, we, I was easy prey.

Fairy tales feel good to us. They toy with our psyche and instill a level of faith in love and relationships that keeps us innocently looking for the man who will come and magically whisk us away from our misfortunes, carry us off to distant lands, whisper the sweetest s*** into our spirits, and relentlessly search for us next lifetime so they can love us better.

Here is truth, expecting perfection from an imperfect individual is counterproductive. We as women subconsciously set ourselves up for failure expecting love to be blemish-free. However, for the sake of this article, stick with me as I reference fairy tales to drive home the point that there are two types of men in this world. There’s the antagonist, the wrongdoer, the bad boy. Then there’s the fair-weather man, the superhero, better known as “Prince Charming.” While they are easily recognized in our fairy tale stories, it is not so obvious when we are attempting to distinguish between the two in real life.

Pay attention to their approach

I recall the precise moment I was forced to swallow any hope I had for a fairy tale romance. He slowly crept up next to me at a stop light. We locked eyes, I gave him the half laugh smile and he motioned for me to roll my window down. “You’re so beautiful,” he said. Good sign I thought, he knows how to properly compliment a woman. I took a deep breath and delivered a flirtatious expression of gratitude, “Thank you.” Yep, I recall the precise moment.  “Aye ma, you smoke?” as he signaled to the blunt he untiringly coddled in his left hand. My facial expression communicated my disgust before my mouth could even articulate a response. Had this become the standard?

It was in that very moment I realized that the manner in which a person approaches you tends to have a direct correlation with how they will ultimately treat you. More importantly, the way in which you respond speaks volumes about you self-worth. I rolled the window up. Men who long to serve as a powerful commodity in your life understand you cannot approach a woman of caliber with bs. If a man is not initiating his interaction with you in a manner that suggests he recognizes you are worthy of quality conversation, courtship, and respect, abort mission and activate the cold shoulder immediately.

Love, Life, and the Pursuit of Happiness

I have surfed a many a couch during the “getting to know each other” phase of a relationship. We live in a society where casually hanging out has replaced well thought out dates. Instead of dating we “just chill.” This mindless style of interacting, simply put, is the easiest way for a man to get your company with no true effort on his part. Your presence is bought and sold for the price of a Redbox rental.

Women have gotten way too complacent sharing stories with their girlfriends about kicking it with men instead of detailing their first date play by play. What happened to courtship and romance? When we stop requiring men to date us and genuinely put forth energy in impressing us, we create a community of men who believe they are entitled to the maximum return on an investment they put little risk into. I am by no means suggesting good men do not ever spend relaxing evenings at home with their women. My request is that attention be paid to the energy used when a man is attempting to pursue you. If you do not require that your partner date you properly, you jeopardize your ability to truly know what it’s like to be reverenced and adorned.

Value in non-negotiable

When a man values you as a woman, respect is not demanded, it’s given willingly. When a man holds you in high regard, you will never have to ask him to treat you fairly. Too often we find ourselves in uncompromising situations because we have initiated relationships with individuals who demonstrated to us from jump that they were not fit for companionship, but we lowered our standards to accommodate. You don’t change your price tag so a person can afford you. If they want you at the stated price, they work hard and save enough coins to purchase you. Otherwise, you’ll be forced to spend the majority of your time trying to teach someone how take care of valuable merchandise. By lessening your requirements to suit another person, you are ultimately setting yourself up for failure.

It’s how they make you feel

Jill Scott pushed a lover’s melody through our speakers and straight to our souls when she sang, “Is it the way you love me baby?” The high you get when you are praised appropriately mentally, emotionally, and physically is an undeniable euphoria. You ever find yourself drifting off the memory of last night and before you know it, your eyes are closed and your body is swaying to the music only you can hear? When “Prince Charming” has tapped into your nirvana, you feel his aura in your veins. He is what they meant when they said, “Your hands won’t be able to hold your blessing.” You are hungry and full, simultaneously. Love is liberation, yet many of us stay stuck in relationships that feel like a prison.

Submission is a two way street

Lastly, men give you something to “submit” to. All hail the misogynist men who believe that a penis gives them ordained authority over all women. Society has programmed men into believing the female genitalia alone presents reason for submission and the same society has convinced women of the same.

Sadly, there are men who will receive home-cooked meals without purchasing any groceries. There are men who will know the luxury of heading a home, with no financial contribution to the upkeep. There are men who will drive their women’s new vehicles with no requirement to oversee its upkeep. There are men who will be an authoritative ruler and the primary decision maker with no real strategy or understanding of how to guide his family.

Then there are men who recognize that a woman will naturally align herself with the vision THEY collectively draft if he presents qualities that are upright and righteous. These men take honor in being a provider, security for his family, and a supporter of his woman’s dreams and goals. He does not believe his penis gives him complete dominion over his home, but instead attempts to lead his household with compassion and assistance from his woman. He doesn’t demand that his woman “submit” because he understands that when a woman is loved properly, she will organically assume the role as his helpmate and he will in return be hers. In these relationships, the respect is recycled and reciprocity is constant.

While, I am by no means suggesting that women are the weaker vessel, too often we end up damaged because we fall head over heels for the very men who are hell bent on stabbing holes in our sanity. We suffer from a syndrome very similar to the Stockholm, where we do not know how to move away from the things that oppress us.

When evaluating your potential spouse, there are some clear red flags that should have us darting for the hills. We profess with our mouths to want companionship, romance, connectedness, and respect, yet we settle for dateless relationships crippled by lack of effort, inconsistency, and blatant displays of the superiority complex.

We must to be wise enough as women to recognize that a man is only going to deliver that which you require. When you are seeking out your counterpart, remember that your self-esteem will ultimately choose your mate. If you internally feel unworthy of an authentic love affair, your energy will draw a lover to you who hunts and preys on women’s vulnerability and emptiness. You have to radiate completeness, grace, and a take no s*** attitude if your desire is to be attractive to a person who wants a confident and fulfilled woman.

At the end of the day Queens, you are the only one who can decide how your fairytale ends. Happily ever after is patiently awaiting your arrival. No more kissing frogs.

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Jazz Keyes is a community activist, poetess and a nationally certified Life Purpose and Career Coach. Keyes supplies clients with the necessary tools and techniques to awaken their divine energy, heal their open wounds and create an aura of love, compassionate and tranquility. In 2013,  Keyes was named “13 People to Watch For” by Rockford Register Star and in honor of Black History Month 2014, Keyes was recently named a “Neighborhood Hero” by ComEd’s Power of One Campaign. Keyes in currently pursuing her Masters in Clinical Psychology and hopes to one day be a best-selling author and motivational speaker. She has devoted a great deal of her time and energy on mastering the art of communication in order to create healthy, dynamic, long-lasting relationships.