In Love, The ‘Good Guy’ Doesn’t Exist
I love throwing relationship events where men and women can come together and talk openly and honestly about their feelings regarding a multitude of different dating topics. I’ve been speaking at events like this for six years and I’ve been throwing my own events for four. In that time, I’ve amassed a ton of acquaintances of both sexes who span a range of all demographics.
Because of this, many dudes ask me to introduce them to single women and many women ask me to introduce them to eligible bachelors. When dudes approach me with this request, they mainly ask that I hook them up with women who are sexy as hell and who “got a good head on their shoulders.” But when women approach me about a hook-up, they typically utter a phrase that gives me an immediate pause: “Link me up with a ‘good guy.'”
Truthfully, I don’t know what the hell that even means.
When I was younger, my conceptualization of a good man was the opposite of a “bad boy.” Basically, it was a nerd who didn’t go out a lot, who went to church every Sunday, who didn’t have hoes in different area codes and who listened to the clean version of rap songs. To me, a good guy was trying to settle down and get married and avoid the trappings of the single life. This overly simplistic binary was easy to indulge as a youth, because a lot of young men and women were trying so hard to fit into a box to be considered “cool” that truly perceiving our individual complexity was difficult as hell.
But now, as a grown ass man with an appreciation for the convoluted intricacies that amalgamate our identities, I’m not sure what the hell “good” is, especially when it comes to dating. But what I’m pretty sure of is that absolute “good guys” don’t exist on the dating scene and more women really need to divorce themselves from that simplistic jargon.
Sometimes, when I hear people online talk about Russell Wilson vs. Future, and they start bemoaning the differences between the “good guy” and the “bad boy,” I truly see how ignorant some adults still are. In the intellectually immature world of “high school dating,” attaching that binary to those dudes makes perfect sense. But after gaining an increased level of insight into how people work, you begin to see that in the real adult world, things just aren’t that simple.
A “bad boy” can be a “good guy” to the right woman, and a “good guy” can be a “bad boy” to the wrong woman. The stupidest thing a woman can do is to attach a label to a man and assert that the label will accurately and undoubtedly describe their potential relationship trajectory. That’s how women end up being hurt and taken advantage of.
There are many single dudes who cut the image of a “good guy”—job, house, financial stability, god-fearing, non-misogynistic, healthy, intellectual—who will take you out on a date, show you a good time, take you back to his house, get it in and straight ghost you. This won’t happen because you’re not a good woman, or because he’s even necessarily an evil man, but mostly because you’re not the right person.
There are dudes out here—in 2017—who are serial monogamists who just want to find the right woman and settle down and will waste a woman’s time and manipulate her emotions for his own personal gain. Those of you addicted to maintaining the binary will just say, “Well, those are obviously bad boys” but that’s not true. Why? Because those same dudes will meet the right woman and treat her exponentially better than that.
The primary rule of dating is this: different people are different people with different people. Don’t resolve to finding someone who checks off preconceived notions of a “good guy.” Instead, find someone who treats you like a good woman.
Lincoln Anthony Blades blogs daily on his site, ThisIsYourConscious.com. He’s author of the book, “You’re Not A Victim, You’re A Volunteer.” He can be reached on Twitter @lincolnablades and on Facebook at Lincoln Anthony Blades.