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Ask Shan Tell'emJET Love

Ask ShanTell’em: I Want Her Back

Dear Shan Tell’em,

I’m a 27-year-old woman who was in a same-sex relationship for 3 years. We had a lot of passion, but my temper used to get a bit out of control. Not gonna lie, we had a few incidents where we both were physically violent towards each other. The last straw was a couple of weeks ago when we were arguing over some text messages she found in my phone from a friend who likes me. It’s completely harmless on my end, but she slapped me and I defended myself. I’m not a violent person at all, but I feel like two women fighting is better than a man hitting a woman, and it’s bound to happen due to emotions. She left and said that she had enough and couldn’t take it anymore. I want her back! Help!

Signed,

The Fighter

Dear Fighter,

There’s so much wrong with this situation that I’m not quite sure where to begin. Let’s first start with the domestic violence as that sticks out to me more than anything else you stated. It is NEVER okay to put your hands on anyone regardless of gender. To compare your violent behavior with someone who you claim to love to that of a heterosexual scenario is just plain wrong.  None of it is OK. Too often we blame actions, words and behaviors that are wrong on emotions. While your emotional state may fuel your behavior, it is up to each and every adult to take responsibility for and control how their emotions are conveyed.

When you love someone, the last thing that you want to do is hurt them. You’re supposed to be a solid support system that shields your mate away from mental, physical and emotional anguish to the best of your ability. You are their comfort and protection. So knowledge of you fighting your significant other and thinking it is okay because you’re both women is particularly disturbing.

The last thing you should be focusing on is getting your ex-girlfriend back. You must work to re-evaluate your stance on violence. There also seems to be a lack of communication and reassurance in your relationship. Who is this “friend” whose text messages caused the disruption? If you knew that she had ulterior motives, why continue to chat with her? Did you work to reassure your girlfriend that she had nothing to worry about calmly? It sounds like you both have a lot of growing up to do, and it’s better if you do it alone.

Good luck and I wish you the best.

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Shantell E. Jamison is a digital editor for EBONY.com and JETmag.com.  She’s also a radio personality, and cultural critic. Her debut book, “Drive Yourself in the Right Direction: Simple Quotes on How to Achieve Your Best Self” is available now at Amazon.com.