Ask ShanTell’em: He Slept With My Friend
This guy has been trying to date me for months now and we have a mutual friend. They were friends first and she knew that he was interested in me. I noticed that she had been acting kind of strange about it, but I didn’t think too deeply into it.
A couple of weeks ago, we went to lunch, me and dude, and hung out most of the afternoon. We parted ways with plans to meet up that night, but he ended up canceling because ol’ girl had gotten into a fight with her significant other. So we hung out the next day and he spent the night.
My Spidey senses told me to just ask if they’d ever hooked up, and of course they had, but come to find out it was the night he and I were supposed to hang out! He’s been sending all of these sappy text messages. I mean, he’s saying all of the right things, but I’m like, “where was all of that two weeks ago?” They both say they were drunk and it meant nothing. She’s back with her boyfriend. Would you forgive/ someone who slept with your friend before sleeping with you, even though y’all weren’t a couple and they didn’t tell you?
Thinking About Forgiving
Dear Thinking About Forgiving,
Please do forgive, but my recommendation is to part ways with this guy. First of all, it sounds to me like your mutual friend was jealous, so she intruded on your courtship by way of sex. Messy. Listen, if a man is that swayed—and trifling enough to sleep with someone who is not just his friend, but your friend as well, leave him alone. His willingness to just have sex with his friend, who is also equally trifling for not even being officially done with her boyfriend, speaks volumes to how he viewed your union—and his level of thirst.
Granted, you’ve only been talking for a couple of weeks. But if you’re interested in someone for real for real, you do not go around sleeping with their friends. I’m not sure if it was really on some drunk ish or they’d been waiting to hook up, but this is a super red flag. Regardless of the “reason,” they cannot be trusted.
As for your friend, I’d use that term loosely when describing your relationship. Friends aren’t jealous, manipulative or sneaky… and they definitely do not sleep with potential boos. True friendship has a rule of dibs, meaning that if you’re talking to someone, they are OFF LIMITS.
The only exception would be if it wasn’t anything too serious and A LOT of time has progressed… and of course, if you’ve had an upfront, adult conversation with your friend to ensure that no hard feelings arise. I realize his words may be tempting, but stay strong. The right one won’t have you wondering if you should “forgive” him after sleeping with your friend.
Good luck and I wish you the best.
Your turn: Got a question for Shan Tell’em? Email us at firstname.lastname@example.org or simply comment in the section below! And don’t forget to join us on Twitter every Wednesday at 3PM CST for a live discussion on love and relationships. Keep up with the conversation via the #AskShanTellem hashtag.
Shantell E. Jamison is a digital editor for EBONY.com and JETmag.com. She’s also a radio personality, and cultural critic. Her debut book, “Drive Yourself in the Right Direction: Simple Quotes on How to Achieve Your Best Self” is available now at Amazon.com.