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Ask ShanTellem: She Doesn’t Love Me Anymore

Dear ShanTellem,

My girlfriend of two years no longer loves me. Before she honestly admitted to me after I asked her one night, I already kind of knew. She was growing more distant and no longer wanted me to go out with her. We used to go everywhere together. I thought that I was doing all of the right things to make her happy, but apparently not. My friends say that I need to let her go because it “happens all of the time.” Last week she moved out. She says she wants to be friends but has got to do this. I don’t even know what she means by that. I still love her and I want her back.

Signed,

Can’t Let Go

Dear Can’t,

I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this. The fact that these things “happen all of the time” does not make dealing with them easier when they do, but you will get through this—IF you let her go. That’s honestly the best way to love someone who is no longer in love with you.

When you felt like you’ve done all that you can to make someone happy and it still is not enough, all that you can do is set them free. No, you might not have held them captive, but holding on to someone who does not want to be with you will suffocate the both of you.

Sometimes we fall in love with people who simply fall out of love with us. Their time in our life has evolved to either nonexistent or a different form. There’s a difference between giving up and letting go. Giving up is born out of defeat, while letting go is rooted in acceptance that things, and people, change. Either way, do not fight the process. If you do, you’ll run the risk of delaying finding the one that you’re truly meant to be with.

She moved out for reasons that you may never understand, but frankly, all that you need to know is that she was willing to walk away when you were ready to stay. That speaks volumes in my book. Whether or not you accept her when she comes back (she will, one way or another) is up to you. Just be prepared for the possibility that she may leave again.

Good luck and I wish you the best.

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Shantell E. Jamison is a digital editor for EBONY.com and JETmag.com. She’s also a radio personality, and cultural critic. Her debut book, “Drive Yourself in the Right Direction: Simple Quotes on How to Achieve Your Best Self” is available now at Amazon.com.