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Ask ShanTellem: Hurt No More

Dear ShanTellem,

I’m in a relationship now, but before that I was single for almost a year. My ex-girlfriend broke my heart, and I allowed myself to fall into a “f*** love” way of thinking. But that all changed about three months ago. While grabbing a few beers with friends, this very attractive woman approached me. I’m not used to getting approached by women often, so it threw me off. We’ve been kicking it ever since, and just recently decided to make it official. 

Well…my ex-girlfriend, who cheated on me btw, recently expressed to me that she wants to make things work. She’s been calling and texting a lot, and my current girlfriend told me that she feels insecure. I don’t want to hurt her and I do not want to get back with my ex. But I don’t want to hurt my ex either. This is causing problems in my new relationship.

Signed,

Hurt No More

Dear Hurt No More,

I hate to say it, but you’re going to have to hurt somebody in this case. The question is, who do you care to protect from hurt more? If you’ve really moved on from your ex-girlfriend, then you have to be honest with her about where you are at at this stage in your life. The fact of the matter is that you’ve committed yourself to another woman. Whether your heart is fully invested in the relationship is another story, and it’s only a question that you can answer.

I know that you said that you don’t want to get back with your ex, so why are you worried about sparing her feelings? Not to sound like an a**, but she really wasn’t all that concerned when she cheated on you. Granted, things happen, and everyone deserves forgiveness at some point, but that doesn’t mean that you’re meant to be together. You can forgive plenty of people (which I highly encourage) and continue living without them. Does your current girlfriend have good reason to feel insecure? Do you still have romantic feelings for your ex? Answer these questions, and answer them truthfully.

If you still feel like you have unfinished business, then let your girlfriend go. You will cause her more pain in the long-run if you don’t. Also, ask yourself if you can truly forgive your ex. Most of the time, we tend to reminisce on the good times when thinking about past lovers instead of the full and complete picture. If you do decide to take her back, be prepared to accept all of the good AND bad that you left when you broke up.  If you’ve determined that you’re really done with your ex, then let her know that you’ve moved on, and in time, MAYBE you can be friends. Allow yourself time and space away from her so she can heal. Then perhaps you guys can attempt to be cordial.

Good luck and I wish you the best.

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Shantell E. Jamison is a digital editor for EBONY.com and JETmag.com. She’s also a radio personality, and cultural critic. Her debut book, “Drive Yourself in the Right Direction: Simple Quotes on How to Achieve Your Best Self” is available now at Amazon.com.