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Ask Shan Tell'emJET Love

Ask ShanTell’em: Frustrated and Ready

Dear ShanTell’em,

I’ve been seeing a man for about two months now. We are great together and I know that he is the one for me. I recently told him that I wanted him to be my boyfriend, and he said that while he is only seeing me, he wants to take things slow. I don’t understand why we can’t be together if we are only seeing each other to begin with!

We have been arguing about this for a couple of weeks now. Do I just let it go and continue to date him or keep demanding that he be with me? I don’t want to end it, but I’m not going to be strung along either.

Signed,

Frustrated and Ready

Dear Frustrated and Ready,

It seems to me that you have someone who is into you, but wants to let things develop gradually. This is not a bad thing. On the other hand, forcing someone to commit to a relationship when they’re not ready is, and that’s exactly what you’re doing.

I understand that you may be certain that you’ve found your life partner. Usually, one person arrives at the conclusion sooner than the other. But do not take your mate’s desire to move slowly as him not wanting to commit to you.

I encourage you to think about why it is that you are attempting to force a title on your relationship. Granted, you don’t always need to be with someone for a certain amount of years before knowing they’re the one, but the fact that you’re so adamant about locking him down after two months is questionable.

Do you feel like he will string you along? Are you afraid that someone else will snatch him up (which cannot happen without his permission)? Are you just controlling, and your behavior is manifesting itself in this situation? No one wants to be strung along, but two months is hardly enough time to determine if that is what is going on.

It’s great that you expressed your feelings, but allow him to catch up. Stop focusing on the title and enjoy the relationship. Enjoy how he makes you feel, and have confidence that he will be yours if it is meant to be. Taking your time to really get to know someone allows you to not only build a solid, long-lasting foundation, but to determine if he is in fact who you think he is.

By him telling you that he’s only dating you, he pretty much is already committed to a degree. No, it isn’t the whole, “You are my girlfriend and I do not wish to date anyone else,” declaration. But it also isn’t the “I want to see other people” statement either.

Now if you are singing the same tune after three to six months, perhaps it is time to re-evaluate where the relationship is headed.

Good luck and I wish you the best.

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Shantell E. Jamison is a digital editor for EBONY.com and JETmag.com.  She’s also a radio personality, and cultural critic. Her debut book, “Drive Yourself in the Right Direction: Simple Quotes on How to Achieve Your Best Self” is available now at Amazon.com.