I Can’t Twerk: Confessions of an Awkward Black Girl

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My sister has confiscated my “Black card” more times than I count. Most recently, she has revoked it for my lack of twerking skills.

‘Tis true: I cannot.

During one failed attempt, she told me I looked like a “penguin trying to walk.” (Gee, thanks, sis!) And apparently there’s a whole attitude that goes along with twerking and I “smile too much.”

It’s the cheerleader in me, I can’t help it.

Give me an eight-count and I’ve got you. Years of learning and teaching choreography have prepared me for the moment when Queen Bey calls me to be her dance captain. Ashley Everett, who?

But, if asked to pop, lock and drop it during my audition, I would gracefully have to bow out.

I’ve attempted to get my rear in gear with a “booty camp” workout back home at Xpose Fitness in Baltimore, where the class mantra is “right cheek, left cheek, double double double.”

Inevitably, there were White girls who could move their booties better than me (Miley Cyrus not among them). I hate to admit it, but I was embarrassed.

And I have to wonder…am I the only Black girl who can’t twerk? A quick office poll proved I am not alone. (Thank you, ladies, there is safety in numbers.)

I’ve watched the Twerk Team, hip-hop video girls and HBCU dancers with both awe and envy. How do they do that?!

And I may or may not have practiced some…ahem…isolation techniques while stuck in traffic, pumping gas and wandering the grocery store aisles, but it just doesn’t look quite right.

Twerking is an art form which I have not mastered. And no, that scientific explanation from ABC did NOT help. So for now, I’ll stick to my shimmy and Beyonce booty-bounce while admiring the real twerkers from afar.