Celebrity Round Table: Beyoncé Prepares to Shut it Down

You never know what you’re going to get hen it comes to pop culture writer Michael Arceneaux, and that’s why we like him! This week, he writes a satirical conversation between some of R&B’s favorite singers at the moment about the musical return and impending shut down King Beysus. Ahem, King Beysus would be Beyoncé.


This is a fictional account reprinted with permission from The Shadow League.

By now you’ve heard that despite its critical acclaim, Beyoncé’s 4 wasn’t the breakout hit like any of its predecessors. Much of that had to do with the Houston native having some beans in that oven, but now that she’s shaken the baby weight and put the kinfolk on baby-sitting duty, Beyoncé is ready to usher in 2013 with a new album. Already she’s announced a gig performing halftime at the Super Bowl, plus an HBO documentary and a $50 million dollar deal with Pepsi that will see the soft drink company paying her to…be Beyoncé.

All before we’ve even heard the new single.

It’s clear someone wants the top spot back, but is she about to make it hard for the other R&B singers trying to breakthrough? In this week’s roundtable, singers not named Beyoncé debate whether Beyoncé is about to be way too overbearing.

Keri Hilson: When I said that heifer needed to go have some babies and sit down, I should’ve been more specific. Like have a baby, sit down and don’t get up until the kid starts kindergarten. Already she’s starting her usual antics. Brandy drops an album, she wants to announce she’s going to do that same booty pop at the Super Bowl. Someone else releases a new video, then she throws out a 30 second trailer for an HBO doc about how great she thinks she is. I bet the day Jesus decides to come back she’ll drop a sex tape with his daddy to steal his shine.

Frank Ocean: You sound mad, my love. You’ve got remember: Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know which one you’re going to get.

Keri Hilson: What in the hell is that supposed to mean, you R&B fortune cookie?

Frank Ocean: It means chew on Beyoncé’s chocolate covered…

Miguel: Wait, cut that out. We are R&B singers. Peace, love, and press and curls, remember?

Keri Hilson: That reminds me, Michael with a G. Why haven’t you returned my calls? You’re too busy with her highness to record with me now? How are you going to hit me about my beautician, but duck me when I want to book studio time?

Miguel: I’m sorry, Miss Keri…

Keri Hilson: …baby!

Miguel: Right. It’s just that, you know, when Beyoncé calls you just…

Keri Hilson: Don’t you say her name to me. Don’t you dare say it anymore. One too many times and she’ll appear out of the ground like Beetlejuice and take my mic away. She’s used to hogging one.

Rihanna: Poor dat. For the record, I don’t have a problem when big sister Beyoncé drops a new album. That Rihanna reign won’t let up so that sounds more like a personal problem for you and…what’s the other one’s name?

Frank Ocean: Kelly Rowland?

Rihanna: No. The other one.

Miguel: Monica?

Rihanna: Nah, I know that one. She’s at church or courtside.

Keri Hilson: Oh, you’re talking about Neo.

Ne-Yo: You rang?

Keri Hilson: Yes, for someone else. I meant Neo from The Matrix. Not Ne-Yo, the “Smooth Criminal” impersonator.

Miguel: Ciara! Don’t be like that, Rih-Rih. She tries.

Rihanna: It, yes.

Miguel: No, no. Like isn’t she doing something right now?

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