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Date Knight: Sex on the First or Fourth Date

As the staff’s resident relationship guru — who’s carved out a space on the web with an award-winning site called Naked With Socks On — I’ve been tapped by JET’s EIC to offer up dating advice and perspective for our readers. Five days out of the week I’m slaving behind a desk as JET’s Managing Editor, so I look forward to exploring the sights and sounds of Chicago with my wife as part of our weekly outings. I am Anslem Samuel Rocque and this is Date Knight.


How soon is too soon when it comes to sex? The answer will likely vary based on who you ask. But the authors of a new book, WTF Are Men Thinking: 250,000 Men Reveal What Women Really Want to Know, tackle that question (among others) and you might be surprised by the answer. The results of their survey found that most men polled expected sex by the fourth date.

I have to admit that I’m pretty shocked by that. maybe I’ve been off the single scene too long, but four dates is hardly enough time to get to know someone, let alone take things to a physical level, IMHO. Depending on how frequently you go out, four dates could be as short as a week or as long as several weeks. Either way the actual time together doesn’t seem like the “average” amount of time to engage in physical activity.

But maybe I’m being a prude.

I won’t  lie and say in my dating past I hadn’t crossed that line in four dates or less, but it was far from my average. More importantly, it wasn’t something I expected so soon. When it comes to dating, nothing is guaranteed—especially when it comes to sex.

From my experience, adding a physical aspect to dating is something that’s earned. For the most part, guys are willing and eager to accept their courtship “reward,” but it’s all a matter of time. Of course, there are people who have sex on the first date or know from first sight if “getting it” is a reality in the distant or near future, or not in a million years. But there are a host of variables that determine the when and where.

I’m of the belief that women are the gatekeepers of sex and once said woman determines that a guy could make it to the proverbial promised land, it’s all a matter of him playing his cards right. Each date or interaction allows a man to gain or lose points until he acquires the arbitrary tally that allows him to round third and slide into home plate. That could range from romance and humor to conversation and goals to career and family to it just being time.

Whether that’s four dates or forty-four, the decision comes down to the individuals. As long as it’s consenting adults doing what they want wen they want (and are protecting themselves)  I’ll reserve any judgment. Because ultimately it’s none of my or your business.

Do you think that that four dates is too soon to be intimate with someone? What do you consider a fair amount of time before getting physical with someone?

Speak your piece…